I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
