Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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