I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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