I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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