drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize