Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
