Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
