i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You are the jesus of drinking
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
