i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
