the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
