He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
