Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
