Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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