what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
