I accidentally had phone sex last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
