if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
