is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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