I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My ATM looks so different sober.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
