I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
