So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
