Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
