I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
