You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
