i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
