Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
