So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
