i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
