I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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