that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
