Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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