no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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