I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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