I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
