I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
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I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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