You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
