I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
