I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.