He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter