i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused