I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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