dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard