My sheets look like a crime scene.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
