i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
