I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
