a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
