I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
