I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
