the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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