Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
