I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is it because I queefed?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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