wanna go halves on a baby?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
