he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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