She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
