I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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