Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
