mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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