I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
