also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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