Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
