two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
