smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
