Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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