I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
